UPDATE: HOW AM I DOING?!

LG founder, Stephen McKenna, writes:  September marked the 8th anniversary of my separation from my wife and the beginning of my life as a fully fledged gay man. Here, in no particular order are some reflections on my progress in that time.

BFs: Lots of occasional partners during that time but only one long relationship which lasted almost a year. I contemplate often on the reasons for my not having dovetailed with someone by now on a more fixed basis. There have been time issues as I try to fulfil the demands of a day job with an evening/weekend vocational career as a photographer, but if I’m honest, have I also got commitment issues?

SOCIAL SCENE: Most of my social life is played out in the gay arena which is very nice. I belong to a gay choir (The Pink Singers), a gay photographer’s group (GNP) and my friends and the bars I frequent are all gay. It’s not as if I’m afraid I might catch anything in a straight venue (!), but I just enjoy the commonality of the gay community.

WORK ENVIRONMENT: I work in a telecoms company which has some seventy employees and as far I know, I is ‘the only gay in the village’! Despite my minority holding I have always been completely open about my sexuality. Fortunately, this is London in 2010 and my sexuality is not an issue, which is exactly at it should be. I am also protected now from workplace discrimination by UK law.

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A location shot from last year with
Brazilian model, Thiago, close to
St.Paul's Cathedral

A NEW CAREER:  My first career was as a producer making all kind of different shows but that ended at the same time as my marriage due to redundancy.  I guess I had the notion that as I was beginning a new chapter in my personal life, it was time to try a new career strand.  Vocationally I've managed it having established myself as an accomplished semi-pro photographer. 

Also, I have been practising my journalism through websites like this.  My themes are predominantly gay and when I look at my portfolio I feel thrilled at the way in which I've grown since coming out as a gay man.  There was always a creative lion in me but before I only got to roar in silence.  Not any more. GRRRRRR!!!

MY LIFE THEN / MY LIFE NOW: As I say elsewhere on this site, I never regretted my marriage, though I still ponder from time to time the entry points I missed as I was growing up. I am very lucky that I can still call my ex-wife my best friend but there was no doubt that I had to take us both through the pain barrier to get to where I was meant to be. Yes, it was an enormous relief to come out as gay, but just doing that was no fix-all moment and in the last eight years there have often been rough patches of turbulence. I didn’t anticipate, for example, how much residual guilt there would be and how long it would last. Mainly it would run in the background, as it were, but still it would be there.

But why should I complain. My eldest brother has an ex-wife who continues to make his life a living hell, and he’s not even been married to her for ten years!

IN CLOSING: When I was about 32 (I’m nearly 48 now) I went to a career counseller. I felt hugely dead-ended in my work life and I had become very depressed. The counsellor was a very impressive lady called Rosemary Arthy. Very charismatic but also an excellent listener who helped me come out of myself. Anyway, at one point, I took a moment to go to the bathroom, and while there I saw a terrific butterfly just resting on a bar of soap on the sink. When I returned I mentioned it to her and after a moment’s pondering, I said, ‘That’s it, that’s it. That’s what I want to be. I want to be a big, beautiful butterfly. Not the sad little grub I have become.’

I didn’t know it at the time but it wasn’t just my work life I was talking about, it was the bigger picture too. But guess what? It took time but eventually I got to be that butterfly!

Better late than never.
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Looking back - A reminder of the rough times:
This was me in September 2002 and the first
week in my new flat as I surveyed the mess all around me. 
As you can see, I'm hardly the happiest of bunnies.